Who knew that pregnancy would be the time for people to give their unsolicited opinions about your body? Without a second thought? I don’t know if it’s a lack of common sense or just plain rudeness but people still haven’t figured out that there are some things you should never say to an expectant mother. While I have pretty thick skin and a strong clap back game, I still find my self puzzled some days. Like, who raised some of you?!

To celebrate reaching my 7th month with ‘Baby Surprise’ (hey third trimester!), I’ve decided to share 7 things you should never say to (or ask) a mom-to-be. I’m also going to include some witty responses for my fellow bump mates.

1. Was this planned? (aka do you know how babies are made?)Even though I’ve openly shared that this pregnancy is a total surprise, the question is still awkward coming from strangers. It’s the equivalent of asking how often do you and your husband have sex and/or are you on birth control. Unless the info is volunteered, it’s none of your d*mn business!

My response: Mind your uterus!

2.Wow! How many are you going to have? Whet?! I don’t care if we decide to have 2 or 20, my baby making business is between my husband and I! Are you footing the hospital bill, buying diapers or paying for daycare? Didn’t think so. Some people don’t desire to be parents at all and that’s fine. Some people are one and done and that’s great too. Then there are those of us who get tricked by cute little bundles of love and try to create a small basketball team. Let me run my baby factory in peace!

My Response: Are you putting in on this daycare bill or something?

3. You look tired/miserable…Ummmm, tell me something that I don’t know. I probably slept all of three hours last night between running to the bathroom, round ligament pain and a tiny human literally doing gymnastics inside of my stomach. Of course, I’m tired! Come on people that’s universal code for “you look like crap!” What’s even worse is that it’ll happen on the days where I woke up with an extra burst energy and put a little effort into being cute. Thanks kill joy! You can ask how I’m feeling and let me tell you that I’m tired, but don’t remind me.

My Response: At least I still have my edges!

4. You look like you’re ready to pop! (When you still have 3 months to go…)Which basically translates to “hey fatty”! I’m literally watching my body grow and stretch in ways that you could never imagine. Every day I attempt to get dressed, only to find I’ve outgrown something that fit just two weeks ago. Even beyond that not every one carries the same, so please miss me with your ‘perfectly petite’ pregnancy expectations.
Also note that the women who carry small don’t want to hear how tiny they are. It’s not a compliment! There is a lot of worry and self doubt that comes along with not having a “bump” until your 6th or 7th month. Just refrain from commenting on a womans size all together. Mmmkay?!

My Response: Yup, I wanna pop you right in the mouth!

5. Are you sure you aren’t having twins?Did I announce that we were having twins? It’s 2018, with all of the advancements in medical technology do you really think someone is going to the doctor month after month not knowing that they’re carrying twins? Hello, you’re an idiot and thanks for telling me I look like a beached whale! Whew…pray y’all, just pray!

My response: I’m pretty positive. Are you sure you have a brain?

6. Can I touch your belly?Issa no. Actually, issa hell no! I’m huge on protecting my energy/personal space. You never know what someone could be rubbing off onto you and your little jelly bean. The only thing more irritating than being asked this are the folks to don’t bother asking. The folks that just reach out and try to touch you, then look at you crazy when you pop their hand. I treat my belly a lot like my hair, 🗣 DON’T TOUCH ME!

My Response: No thanks, I’m not a puppy!

7. OMG! You’re still pregnant?! (I haven’t heard this one yet but I know it’s coming)I mean, do you see a baby? 🧐 If you think I’ve been pregnant forever can you imagine how I feel? A full term pregnancy is 40 weeks if you’re lucky, some of us end up going 1-2 weeks beyond that. The last 8-10 weeks can feel like some weird sort of torture with the sleep deprivation, insatiable hunger and back pain that comes along with it. Trust, if no one is counting down to my due date, I am! Unless you see the baby then the answer is pretty obvious.

My Response: No, I just wear my belly cast in public!

Okay so now you’re probably wondering what you should say to a mom-to-be. Generally, anything you’d actually consider a compliment is acceptable, like”you’re glowing” or “you look beautiful”. You can even be nosy and still avoid being offensive by asking how she’s feeling or when she’s due. When all else fails, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all! Unless you have food… food will fix anything!